Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
