He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
