Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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