The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
