i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
