Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
