I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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