this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
