Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
