I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
