I'm so fucking centered right now
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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