It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
