If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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