I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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