Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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