dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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