Jerry, you need to find god
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
