She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
