I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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