so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
