He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
