I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
