weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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