everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
