feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
