Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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