You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
