my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
