I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
