I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
