nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
