listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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