You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
