My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
