were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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