Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
