Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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