i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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