it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
