I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
