So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
