He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize