I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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