I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
