My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
