Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
