so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
