What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
