3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
