Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
