Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
