remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
