then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
