his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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