i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Fuck me I smell like cheese
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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