I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
